choices and decisions

I’ve been doing a lot of journaling lately. I’m talking about long form, in a notebook, with a sexy pen type shit.

It is important to blatantly state that I do not now, nor have I ever, kept a diary. I have never had the patience to jot down the days events. As an ADHD girlie, my approach to daily life off the page is inconsistent at best, and I’ve honestly never been interested in a daily catalogue … I can check my Facebook memories for that.

Instead, I collect painful thoughts, blissful moments, and interesting observations. I set these entries in between pages of quotes, and lists of questions. Notes on things I’ve seen or read. Doodles (I really like to sketch eyeballs, and open mouths.) Essay ideas. Conversations. Sometimes they’re dated, but mostly not. It’s the place where I get to be my most myopic self.

Joan Didion said about the point of notebooks: “Remember what it was to be me: that is always the point.” And that resonates with me. And womanism says that Black women, our thoughts, feelings, and self-definitions, rise to the point of sacred knowledge. It is with all this in mind, that I share an excerpt from (one of) my notebooks: a not quite disparate list of thoughts on self actualization and the power of choice.

Love y’all. Mean it. If you love me back, Buy Me A Book!

making a choice is not the same as making a decision.

• There is so much guilt entwined in the shit I “chose” to do. As if the mere act of investigation holds me responsible for whatever is discovered. But I think there is a difference between choice and decision.I can look at a pile of items, and choose to try one. But that choice is not a contract of enjoyment. Of responsibility. Of ownership. I can make my decision upon experiencing whatever I chose.I can decide how to move. How to feel. What I tell people.The choice is not the same as the decision.I think that just set me free a lil bit.
• Conscious choice is important/revolutionary for Black women and femmes. So is the freedom to play and experiment, free from harsh retribution. We have historically been denied both due to our relationship with labor and vocation, as well as internalized negative ideological narratives.
• There is a recurring theme in my readings of the “outsider" Audre Lorde teaches us that survival sometimes demands that we “stand alone and reviled…learn to bear the intimacy of scrutiny and to flourish within it… We must question all the notions we have taken as a given from the dominant culture.” Patricia Hills Collins speaks of being outside a social location. This is why we must self define. Name ourselves.
• I have been reading a lot about self actualization, and how a major component of achieving it is self esteem. The ability to speak up for ones self. MotherGrand used to always say “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to. You gotta define yourself for yourself.” (why is MG lowkey a textbook womanist?). There is research on how grit, likability, and trauma are factors for future efficacy as a self confident adult. Soulwork will necessitate that we divorce white supremacist thoughts on power and worth with regard to cultivating a positive self image.
• I’m also having thoughts about how this process cannot be linear. Like healing. First glance says you’ve got to complete step one, then moveon to step 2, etc. etc. up or down the ladder. But several factors will necessitate experiencing multiple steps at once.

This is why the distinction between choice and decisions is so important.

I release you from the shame of your choices. I empower you in the making of your decisions. And I remind you of the power in your own experiences.

Ase.